A Message from The United Gun Makers of America


As the nation’s largest gun makers we consider it our duty to explain a few things in the wake of several mass shootings. It just dawned on us that there is a gun debate going on and we have yet to put in our two cents.

First of all we would like to thank the National Rifle Association for their hard work over the years.  Since we finance them, they have no choice but to act in our best interest, and they’ve been doing a great job.  As the owners of big gun companies, we LOVE it when the NRA gets flack for its fight against gun control.  It misdirects all potential backlash from us over to them.  We get to stay out of the spotlight and keep making weapons.  With only about 4.5 million members, the NRA is a relatively small group that has taken on the BIG job of shielding the gun makers from criticism.

For instance, background checks are supported by 90% of Americans but The NRA opposes them.  Why? Simple, background checks would hurt gun sales; which, in turn, would hurt our profits.  We’re very proud of the way we’ve framed the issue.  It’s called “gun rights” or “the right to bear arms” but really, for us, it is the right to make loads of money.  If these rights were so important to us we would probably address them at some point, but we don’t.  Instead, we have The NRA do our bidding so that we don’t have to get our hands dirty.  Thanks NRA!

We’d also like to thank every American in favor of gun control.  Your response to mass shootings strikes fear in the hearts of gun supporters across the nation.  When the phrase “gun control” is in the news cycle our sales goes up across the board!  Many thanks!!! We certainly couldn’t do this without you.

We’d also be remiss if we did not thank gun owners across the nation.  You all have such strong views about the Second Amendment.  You are our true heroes.  This has become an emotional issue to you and when you act on emotion you ignore facts.

Thank you to The United States Government -The entire government.  That’s right, we’d like to thank Democrats and Republicans alike.  Part of the reason politicians in favor of gun control take their issues to NRA and not the gun-makers is that we (the gun-makers) have military contracts.  We produce weapons for our armed forces so it wouldn’t make sense for the politicians to take their issues up with us.  By arguing over issues with the NRA instead of the gun companies, these politicians can convince people they’re doing their jobs, without actually doing them.  It’s brilliant!  And the best part is, once again, as owners of gun companies, we get to stay out of it.  Are you starting to see a theme here?  We are SO good at staying out of it!

And most importantly we would like to thank the criminals.  Every act of violence scares law abiding citizens; and they turn to our products.  Without the crime, or the fear of it, we wouldn’t have so much money.

Remember, we create things that have one purpose: to kill.  That’s it.  When you are buying one of our products to protect yourself, you are protecting yourself from one of our products. Isn’t that crazy?  Anyway, that’s all for now.  Please keep buying our guns.  Remember, the next person you kill, could save a life.